Thanks again, Liberals. 

Those who keep up with popular candy brand Mars are most likely aware of the biggest candy-related scandal since Mike and Ike broke up. After years of gracing our screens and billboards, M&M’s are officially not represented by their spokescandy but instead by Grown Up’s very own Maya Rudolf. 

This sudden change of representation followed months of controversy surrounding the perfect chocolate snack that doesn’t melt in one’s hand. As sad as it is to see the loveable chocolate figures leave the public sphere, it’s sadly not surprising.

On February 1, 2022 my world was rocked. I logged onto Instagram, as I do daily, and directed myself to my favorite account @mmschocolate. I was on my way to the local Planet Fitness, and needed some inspiration to get me pumped up for my workout.

Instead of being greeted with the sight of Green’s long, toned legs, accentuated by her lovely 2-inch heeled boots, I was met with a pair of white sneakers. This shocked me. I was flustered, enraged, and overcome with grief.

As a heterosexual woman, even I had been slightly aroused by the Green M&M’s slender legs and luscious lashes. I cannot even imagine how my male friends and younger brother resisted the overwhelming urge to succumb to a heat-like trance when she graced their presence at the local AMC. 

Personal hero of mine, Tucker Carlson, who has the courage to continue hosting his show on Fox News, despite the network testifying in Congress that they cannot be held responsible for his statements because any reasonable person would know them to be untrue, seemed to be the only person who agreed with my outrage.

Although wildly mocked on twitter, Carlson stood behind his statement that “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal.”

This is an America that I do not want to see. 

The Founding Fathers, with quill and ink, declared that all Americans have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Well I’d just like to publicly break my silence and declare that the removal of sexy M&M’s directly infringes on my God-given rights as defined in the Preamble.

I am not able to properly pursue happiness if I am haunted by my memories of delectable candy, which were unfairly snatched away from me.

The three-layered chocolate treat was not the only thing that my salivary glands got over excited about, and the fact that they have been unfairly stolen from me is an atrocity.

Although Italy is the country shocking the world with its increasingly quick sinkage into the sea, I would gladly offer up the United States of America to take its place. Afterall, America is nothing without sexy mascots.

As I write this on January 23, 2023, I fear for Tony the Tiger. I fear for Mr. Peanut. I fear for Colonel Sanders. I fear for the Quaker Man. I fear for America. 

I ask you this, dear reader, what are we without our sexy mascots? That’s right. Nothing.